For the love of…

This was a strange case. I had never met a woman like this before. When Rajesh had mentioned the story there was just one thought running in my head. This certainly was one of the most interesting people to meet. But this was a clear case of clinical psychology. This was certainly out of my reach. I didn’t deal with cases where the client needed medical help along with counseling. Rajesh was convinced I could help her. I was intrigued by the entire turn of events and I wanted to meet the client too. I wasn’t sure whether my sessions would be useful for her or should I even be taking this up. So I had reluctantly agreed to Rajesh who had this immense faith that I was the person who could handle this case.
Sia Sharma came to meet me the following day. Rajesh had accompanied her and assured her that she was in safe hands before leaving her with me. She just sat there still staring at the ground. She didn’t react to Rajesh leaving and being alone in the room with me. I wanted to put her at ease but I instead waited to see what silence could do between the two of us. She was a woman of about twenty five or even lesser. Her current state made her look older than she was. Her face was somber and the lack of expression in her face was glaring. She had a firm mouth and lips drawing a thin line. Her eyes seemed hollow due to lack of sleep but she had intelligent eyes. Defeat was written on every part of her face. She had given up on life and her resignation was evident. There was an effort made to knot her hair but it wasn’t done very carefully. Strands of it kept falling on her face hiding a part of it from the world. She made no attempt to retract them put them behind her ears. It was like she had lost the sensation of touch.
I mostly encountered middle aged women or every now and then a struggling teenager trying to grow up too fast or refusing to grow up. Middle aged women had a variety of issues but mostly were struggling with a lack of identity. They came usually to discover themselves and when they became familiar with their inner beauty and potential the world became a much more cordial place to live in. It was unusual to have a woman in her mid twenties sit across my desk. She was absolutely still and she knew my eyes were observing her and waiting for her to make a move. But even her eyes refused to wink. It looked like she was possessed, possessed with an overwhelming grief.
I got up from my chair and filled a glass of water from the cooler. The noise from the tap of the cooler filled the room. It was mildly startling after a long silence. Silence itself wasn’t unusual to me. I had become used to silence. It helped the other faculties such as eyes and ears function better.
“Have some water” I offered.
She didn’t budge. I left the glass of water in front of her and said,
“Hi, Sia. I am Madhav and as you know I am a counselor. I am here to talk to you and listen to you talk. I know that you have seen a couple of counselors before and you do not like it very much. I want to listen to you. I may not be able to help you but I can hear you.”
The wall would have reacted better to my words. They had fallen flat on her. I expected this. She was going to be very tough to open up. There was something very strong and mysterious about her. The intrigue made her very interesting. It was like she held all the answers to the questions and she was refusing to say any of it.
I didn’t take up cases that involved suicidal tendencies. It was referred to clinical psychologists. This was a case which involved such an attempt. The woman had attempted suicide and had decided to kill herself. The doctors thought it was a miracle she had survived. She had a child of two that needed her and yet she had resorted to something that extreme. Her story contained her reasons to these answers. Her husband had mentioned finding her in an unconscious state in the kitchen after devouring half a bottle of insect repellant. The doctor had declared that she had gone into coma and her chance of survival was minimal. By a divine twist of fate she had survived the coma and regained consciousness. She now lived a life refusing that consciousness. Usually with a client like this the chance of another suicide attempt wasn’t far and hence she required continuous monitoring. I had my own private practice and hence it wasn’t possible for me to provide her that kind of attention. Her consultation with me was two hours a day and since the client was so passive I had to make it a daily consultation. I did fear the worst. But I wanted to help her. I didn’t want her to give up on life. This was a curious case and I wanted to see how it would go.
She left after it was time and returned the next day with Rajesh. He had been one of her consulting doctors and had recommended me to the senior doctor for counseling. The senior doctor wasn’t sure if I should take the case up but I had a reputation of solving some off the track cases of which some were his own patients. So he knew what I could do. Hence Rajesh got his way and Sia was back at my office sitting absolutely still with her lips tightly knit. I tried talking to her again. I started with pleasantries, asking her about her school and college and some questions on some knowledge acquired from the background information of her case. None of the things brought even a slight response from her. She sat there with me on the other end of the desk staring steadfastly into the ground. For two long hours we heard each other breathe in and out and then it was time for her to leave.
It was almost two weeks now and Sia had shown no improvement. I was ready to refer her to someone else and admit defeat. Rajesh had stopped accompanying her and a driver came and dropped her at my office at the stipulated hour and came to pick her up at the end of two hours. I had done everything I could think of to break her from her deep mourn. I tried talking about different subjects, offered her something to eat just to change her posture, brought topics of her relatives to stir some emotions in her and even tried some visuals. None of this had any impact on her. I had never experienced such a difficult case in my life where the client refused any sort of communication. There wasn’t even anything to read from her face. All I could see were a stoic pair of eyes steadfastly gazing at the floor.
One day her driver dropped her off as usual and I received her at the door. She was about to step into my office and I said rather cheerfully “Hello Sia. It’s a beautiful day. Why don’t we take a walk?”
I was waiting for her reaction. She had just stopped in her tracks and stood there.
“There is a beautiful park in this community. I hear they have laid a new bed of rose plants. It’s supposed to be a pleasant sight. Let’s go take a look. What do you say?”
It didn’t bring any reaction on her. It was crucial that I didn’t give her enough time to think about it. I made my way out and showed her the way with my hand glancing at her and also making my way to the gate. She stood there and I knew she had suddenly become undecided about the whole thing. This was not what usually happened to her and she didn’t quite know what to do. Then it happened. She followed me. This was the first time I had attempted something like this and I was overwhelmingly happy that Sia had responded to this. She was walking a step behind me and I didn’t want to walk alongside her immediately. I kept looking at her to make sure she was walking along.
She finally lifted her face from the ground. She was looking ahead and every now and then she would glance sideways. We entered the park and the new rose plants were neatly laid on the side of the cement strip that ran across the perimeter of the park. Each plant had atleast one fully bloomed flower. It was representative of the type of rose plant it was.
“These are called Hybrid tea roses. The easiest way to identify them is to look at their stem. They usually have a long stem and have a large bloom. They come in a lot of colors and when you buy roses from a florist you usually buy hybrid teas.”
She had walked alongside me and also looked at the flowers every now and then. I wasn’t sure if she was listening to me but she had clearly stepped out of the comfort zone of the four walls and shutting herself up. We walked back and got settled into the office. I tried to broach the subject again by asking her something about herself. She had gone back to the floor and the stoic look had returned. The rest of the evening was like any of the other days.
It was 4 pm and Sia’s car stopped in front of the gate of my office, as punctual as ever. She got down and walked into my office. I wasn’t decided if she was pretty or not. Nobody could. She had so much sadness in her eyes and she kept it so much to herself that it became difficult to think beyond that.
She settled into a chair.
“Today is our last day Sia.” I said.
“You don’t have to come from tomorrow. I have a couple of friends who have a fantastic facility in the far part of the town. Maybe they can help you. I clearly can’t. I have tried everything in my capacity. Before yesterday we went 5 days without me even saying a word to you. This isn’t going anywhere. So I guess there is nothing I have to say. You can sit and leave as usual and don’t have to return from tomorrow.”
That was that. I had never before given up on my clients. But I guess that had to happen too. This case was clearly beyond me and there was nothing left for me to do.
I turned my attention to a book lying on my table.
“Can’t I just come and sit here every day?”
For a moment I didn’t react. I wasn’t sure where the sound came from. It was Sia. She was the only other person in the room and I had not quite gathered what she said. I didn’t know what her voice was like and had lost all faith that she was capable of talking.
“What? What did you just say?”
“Can I please come and sit here? I like it here.”
She had spoken and it had been exactly three weeks since Rajesh had walked into my office with her.
“Why do you want to sit here? You have a grand house and a beautiful baby.”
She was silent for a minute. I knew she wanted to say something but she was stopping herself. I also knew she wanted to stay so she wouldn’t stop talking.
“I don’t want to go home. I want to stay here. I feel better here.”
“Why is it better here?”
“I am scared there. I feel like dying.” She said. For the first time I saw her eyes stir. She wasn’t looking at me but I could see that her face had changed considerably.
“Who are you scared of?” I asked.
I didn’t get a reply but she looked at me for the first time. She kept looking for a minute and went down to look at the floor.
“I like it here. Please don’t send me away.” She said lifting her face from the floor. She genuinely wanted to stay and I could see she was pleading me.
“I will let you stay if you talk to me. You can talk to me about what you want to talk about. Is that a deal?”
“Ok” she replied.
I had never felt a serious sense of achievement with any other client. Here I was and I couldn’t help smiling because I was feeling elated. Mostly I was happy for Sia. Something did make her snap out of her mourning silence. An extended spell of silence always leads to adverse results.
The days changed from there on. She would come in every day and each day we would talk about something. She had an acute interest in music. She knew how to play the veena and had a lot of knowledge on the swaras and ragas. She spoke about her childhood, her parents, and the town she came from and about the time she moved in here after her wedding. There was one thing though she wouldn’t venture into anything about her husband or her child. She would immediately draw herself inside as soon as those subjects were broached. We spent a week and she did most of the talking. We had also taken another trip to the park and spent some time discussing roses.
She was concealing a part that had shocked her and made her attempt suicide. It was important to get to that part and stop her from shutting it away. Everything that is shut off has a way of only coming back to us sooner or later. So one day I did bring the subject up and decided that I would probe a little.
“What does your husband do? I mean, where does he work?”
I got no answer to that. I never received any answers to questions involving her husband. There lied the problem.
“Sia, we are friends now. We can discuss this. I know there is something that you don’t want to get into. It’s best if you spoke about it.”
“There is nothing there and I don’t want to talk about him.”
There was certain amount of anger and firmness to it. She genuinely didn’t want to discuss it. Anger is a good form of release of negative energy but it is also important to let go of the reason for the anger.
“OK. Can I meet him some time? Nobody has met him. Even Rajesh hasn’t met him apparently.”
Her face color was visibly changing. I had not seen this side of her. There was a lot of blood on her face and I knew that every word about him stung her.
“Madhav, I have to go.” She stood up and started towards the door.
“If you have to go back to normal we have to talk about this Sia. The anger in you is killing you. It won’t help you physically or mentally.”
She had paused but had not turned around. She listened to me and then walked towards the door and left.
I hadn’t heard from Sia in three days. I wanted to contact her but she had to take the initiative. She had to realize this on her own that there was no point avoiding it and she had to come out of it and be bold enough to face it. Each person has his own way of summoning that courage. Some needed time.
I couldn’t stop thinking about her. The three weeks of silence and the time spent with her had their way of resurfacing to me every now and then. Once she started talking we had overshot our sessions completely. I had laughed when she had laughed, listened when she spoke and spoke when she listened. The time spent with her was a triumph, a hope that a life would revive. It did turn out that Sia was quite intelligent and knew what she knew very well. She had captivating eyes and she had a way of looking at you never breaking away from a stare. Her strength was evident and she was not a weak woman or a woman who need constant help or assurance. She was fully capable of handling a situation on her own. Despite all this something had shaken her up so much that she had taken some extreme measures.
The phone was ringing. I initially thought it was a dream. I woke up and checked the time it was 2 am. I didn’t know anyone who would call me at this hour.
“Hello”
“Madhav, its Sia” she paused.
I liked the way she took my name. There was a sense of belonging there. But clearly not everything was right this time. I could hear the sound of wind. She was in a moving vehicle.”
“Sia, where are you?”
“There is no use Madhav. You did try to help me but no one can. I have taken 15 sleeping pills and I have to end my life. You are the only person I wanted to call and let know. I am driving I don’t know where. Soon I shall be dead. “
I was panicking. I was only beginning to feel hopeful about her and here she was resorting to the only thing people had feared. I didn’t want her to die. I didn’t want her to give up. There was a reason why she had called me. I had to do something and what I said next would determine everything.
“Sia, it’s your life. It is upto you. But I’ve known you over the last month and we have genuinely become friends. Can I atleast see you one last time?”
My tone was calm and unflustered. I knew what I had said put Sia off balance. It was indeed not what she had expected out of the call made to me. But I had made a request and now it was her turn to say something.
She didn’t say anything for a while. I could still hear the wind blow by. I knew she hadn’t hung up.
“All right Madhav. I can come by. No better place to die than your office. You tried to give me life you can atleast see my death.”
Her tone was bitter not for me but for something that she couldn’t let go off. I knew I had to get to my office in no time. I ran outside and sped my car to my office. I reached there and she reached a minute later.
I opened the front door of the car and settled into the seat. I could see that the pills had still not taken full effect. She must have consumed them very recently. I could not hide the panic in my voice now.
“What have you done, Sia”
She gave a weak smile and replied “Before I die I will tell you why I want to die”
Sia had been married to Narendra Sharma for three years now. Everything was fine initially and a year into the marriage they had a beautiful girl kid. After a few months of having the kid things started to change in the household. Narendra started coming late to the house and would go out at vague hours without telling her anything. He was never available to talk to his wife and didn’t care about the kid. When asked or was spoken to he would beat her up and abuse her. He sometimes had resorted to whipping his wife with his belt and sometimes would attack her with the broom. A slurring Sia showed me the wounds on her back and on her waist. There were deep cuts that had made scars for life on her body and her mind. She slowly started avoiding him and tried not talking to him. She sought the intervention of her parents and they had held a meeting with the in-laws and had counseled her to go back to him. There was no change in Narendra’s behavior and the abuse had intensified now and became a daily affair. With a baby at the breast, the husband being her only livelihood and not knowing what to do in a large city so far away from home she had just learned to endure the violence. One day Narendra had come home drunk and had started his usual rant and Sia couldn’t take it anymore and started fighting her husband back and in a fit of rage he kicked the baby and it fell from her cradle. Sia rushed to her and there was no sound from the baby for a good minute or two. She kept looking at the baby shell shocked and Narendra in his inebriated state left the house. The baby then started crying but Sia was left in a deep state of shock. She put the baby in the cradle and went to the kitchen and swallowed an entire bottle of Baygon.
It was unimaginable how much she had endured and hope inside her had snapped. She had met two counselors and they had recommended the asylum. Here she was sitting with me after her second attempt of killing her life scared that her life would never be the same again.
“What will happen of your little baby? Doesn’t she need her mother? You are taking two lives with you Sia. A poor child is going to suffer because had mother had suffered. What has happened with you is completely wrong but what you are going to do with your child is in your hands and now you are killing her too.”
I didn’t know if it was the time or the place or the tone or just what but there was a change in her expression and for the first time I saw Sia cry. Sometimes that’s all one needs to do, cry. I went to the other side of the car and moved her to the left seat. She didn’t resist but she was running out of energy. I started the car and drove to the nearest hospital. I got her admitted before she lost her consciousness. The emergency team immediately got to work and removed the toxins from her body as fast as they could. Before Rajesh could attend to her in the morning she was out of danger.
I accounted the entire story to Rajesh and he heard me just as shocked as I was. A man of about 30 came upto us and asked about a patient called Sia. There was no doubt that it was her husband. We took him to the critical care unit and he saw his wife sleeping for the first time in a few months. I was so angry with him that I couldn’t bring myself to put it in words.
I stepped away from the staring husband and Rajesh and took a short walk to get some tea. Rajesh would fill Narendra up on the situation. Soon the cops will be called and I would be called to witness a case. I have been a professional witness to a few cases but there was never a case like this. I wanted to be a witness to this and see to it that the husband was hanged. Such was my anger and the entire night was so full of events that I had not caught a wink of sleep. I wanted justice to be done to Sia. She deserved a life, she deserved someone who would love her and take care of her. She needed someone to care for her as the person she was.
At this point a thought struck me and I stood there completely frozen. I had let myself get so deeply involved in this case that my feelings had taken over the case as a case of the client. My job was to free my client of a certain psychological burden that was troubling her but here I was seeking justice for her. I had wept and prayed for her last night wishing for her well being. I had become emotionally involved with the client and that was against the very objective of my profession. I had such feelings of fondness for Sia that she had long ceased to be just a client to me.
I took my cell phone out and called Rajesh. “Hello Madhav, where are you? Sia has regained consciousness she was asking for you.”
“Rajesh, the case is over. I will have a report ready in a couple of days’ time. Please tell Sia that I have gone home for some rest and her treatment under me has been completed.” Rajesh didn’t reply but I think he understood. I hung up and started my long walk back home.